


If Only...

by astudyinfic



Series: A December of Ty and Zane [6]
Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Angst, But not about the good times, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ghosts of his past, Hasn't Ty suffered enough?, M/M, Ty reminisces
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 03:03:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16884438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astudyinfic/pseuds/astudyinfic
Summary: If only Ty had been there, had made a different decision, had not dragged others into his battles...Maybe they would still be here today.Day 6:What haunts you





	If Only...

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this hurts and I'm sorry. Also, spoilers for the whole series so read at your own risk.

Standing on the balcony of their house, staring off into the quiet night, their presence weighed heavy on him.  Some nights were worse than others. Tonight was particularly bad and Ty slipped from Zane’s arms to come out here, hoping the fresh air would shake something loose in his mind, something that would let him sleep.  He needed that. Ty needed some sort of peace.

But he didn’t deserve that.  

In Zane, he found everything he needed in a partner and a lover.  They complimented each other in the best of ways and when the darkness pressed in on one of them, the other was there to pull him back out. His husband was always there when Ty needed him.

If Ty went in and woke him up, Zane would hold him, would whisper the words he needed to hear.  They might make love, they would definitely kiss, and Ty would get a few more hours of sleep safe in the knowledge that he was loved.  

But he didn’t deserve that.

Instead, the ghosts of his past stood with him on that empty porch, staring out at the city but seeing nothing.  Nothing but the ones he’d let down, the ones he’d lost. Their faces floated through his mind unbidden and Ty wondered just how many more he could lose before he had no more energy to go on.  

When you join the military, you tell yourself you are ready to make the ultimate sacrifice, you tell yourself you will cope if the ones around you do the same thing.  But nothing prepares one for the feeling of seeing someone you loved, someone you cared about in a flag-draped casket. _If only I’d been there.  If... If... If..._  Ty shook his head.  Chas was gone and there wasn’t anything Ty could do about it now.  All he could do was remember and hope for forgiveness. Someday.

From the day Deuce was born, he was Ty’s best friend.  They did everything together, were inseparable, despite the small difference in their age.  And when Ty went off to Parris Island, he left his motorcycle with his brother, knowing it would be in good hands.  It was his fault Deuce was riding it that day. His fault that his brother would walk with a limp for the rest of his life.  And Ty hadn’t been there for him when it happened. He would have gone AWOL for Deuce. He would do anything for Deuce. And yet, his brother still got hurt.   _If only I hadn’t given it to him.  If... If... If..._ Deuce didn’t blame Ty for the accident.  No one blamed Ty for the accident. Except for Ty.

Eli Sanchez was the life of every party.  Their work was grueling and brutal, often messy, always dangerous.  And yet, Eli almost always smiled when they got back to camp. He had a hug for every one of them, his friends.  His brothers. When Ty joined the FBI, Eli was by his side, even after Nick expressed his worry about the situation.  And when Eli called that last time, Ty was too busy to pick up. _If only I had answered that call.  If... If... If..._  But Eli was the first of Sidewinder buried at Arlington.  He wouldn’t be the last. Ty could only hope none of their deaths will be caused by his actions.

The bullet tore through them both but Ty was the only one who survived.  He was told he didn’t work well with people but they had clicked. They worked well until the end.  He’d just buried Jimmy, cried with his widow and daughter, was only just starting to heal physically when Burns assigned him someone new.  Ty didn’t want to grow close to him. He wanted to do the job and get out. It was a betrayal to James’s memory to move on so soon.  Ty’s guilt weighed down on him. _If only I had been a better partner.  If... If... If..._  But, if his partner lived, Ty wouldn’t have met the love of his life.   _If... If... If..._

Ty didn’t know Preston all that well.  A brief tryst in Paris but otherwise, they were simply two men who did the same job and did it well.  But after Miami, Preston’s face was one he saw often. A man was dead because of him. And because of Zane.  But Ty couldn’t blame his husband. He couldn’t blame the man for doing his job and doing it well enough that they brought down a whole cartel.   _If only they hadn’t dragged Cross and Preston into their personal battle.  If... If... If..._  While Ty didn’t really like the man, he didn’t know how he would be able to face Julian again.

His husband Zane, love of his life, pun master, book nerd, badass.  How many times had Zane put his life on the line to save Ty? How many times had Ty seen the man he loved broken and bleeding because of him?  How many more times would they get lucky and Zane would pull through once more? He thought he lost Zane once, after the horrific explosion at the bookstore.  At times, Zane was his entire reason for being. And he knew it went the other way around. Had seen with his own eyes that Zane was just as willing to die for Ty as Ty was for Zane. _If something ever happened to him.  If... If... If..._

Not even jumping when strong arms wrapped around him from behind, Ty relaxed back against Zane’s chest.  He smiled slightly, realizing that he recognized his husband without even seeing him. Zane didn’t register as a threat to him, ever.  To others, definitely. And Ty didn’t want to analyze the fact of just how turned on that thought usually made him. A blanket pulled tight around them both, cocooning them in warmth and comfort.  

“Come back to bed, baby.” Zane’s voice, gravely and heavy with sleep, cut through the fog of memories that had slowly been suffocating Ty. But he couldn’t get his body to move. “Or tell me what is bothering you?”

Ty chuckled, humorless and low.  “Visited by the ghosts of past, present, and future.”  Hopefully not future. If there was any god in the heavens, he would have no more loss for the rest of his life.

As he always seemed to do, Zane understood immediately.  “None of them were your fault, doll. And not one person you are thinking about blames you for what happened to them.  You are the only one who does and I wish I could take that away from you.” He kissed Ty’s hair and Ty relaxed even more.  Zane knew what to say. Zane was his rock, his anchor in the turbulent seas of his own mind. “Come back to bed, Tyler. Things will look brighter in the morning.”

Ty let himself be led back to bed and gathered in his husband’s arms.  With his head on Zane’s chest, strong heartbeat under his ear, Ty drifted back to sleep.  The ghosts would always be there, haunting the edges of his memory, ready to slip in when he was at his weakest.  But Zane would always be there too, and he was stronger than any ghost, stronger than any memory.

And he gave Ty the strength to fight them off, as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on [tumblr](http://astudyinfic.tumblr.com), [pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/astudyinfic) or [twitter](http://twitter.com/astudyinfic)


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